"Ham Mousse" by President Richard Nixon

As featured on Gastro Obscura, NBC, and my occasional nightmares, Richard Nixon’s Ham Mousse is gripping the country. Like a plague, some might say. You see the image, you know what’s to come: thick, beige meat whip.

Chef Richard Nixon

Republican President from California

As always, I followed the recipe word for word directly from the man known to eat cottage cheese with ketchup, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

½ cup cooked ham (finely ground)

1 cup tomato juice

1 cup beef consommé

½ teaspoon paprika

4 tablespoons cold water

1 envelope gelatin

2 cups cream, whipped

Salt to taste

Mayonnaise

A few of drops of lemon juice

A little heavy cream

Finely chopped chives

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Mix first four ingredients and bring to a boil.

The house began to reek at this point. Once again, my vegetarian wife was forced to evacuate.

2) Dissolve gelatin in water, add to ham mixture. Put into refrigerator to cool, stirring occasionally.

I kept it in the refrigerator for about an hour, stirring every 10-15 minutes.

3) When it begins to slightly congeal, fold in the whipped cream.

“Congeal” is triggering for some folks. Namely me.

4) Add salt to taste. Pour into one large mold or smaller individual molds.

I’ll be honest, I did not taste it yet. I left that for the end-result, lightly salting it knowing that I could always add more later. Plus, it’s ham — do we really need much salt here?

5) Let set in refrigerator until firm. Serve with mayonnaise thinned with a few drops of lemon juice and a little heavy cream, adding finely chopped chives. Serves 4 to 6.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. Or read about it on Gastro Obscura. Or on Reddit. Or…yeah, you get the point. Ham Mousse is taking over the nation, one gag reflex at a time. Look at that little pork tulip! Adorable. It unmolded beautifully, leaving a glistening meat shine. It smells strongly of ham (obviously) and has a bounce to it akin to a perfect Jell-O salad. And…beige.

Verdict:

Unfathomably disgusting. Could not eat more than one bite. In fact, I technically swallowed a half-bite of this slimy, meaty Cool Whip, then spit the rest into the sink on top of my daughter’s lunchbox. Sorry.