"Apple Smiles" by Vice President Mike Pence

Sometimes it’s nice to get a modern recipe instead of the gelatinous mayonnaise factory that was 1962 American food. Even if it’s from this millennium, spiritually, this dish comes from the same place: mid-century white America. Who better to be the modern day standard bearer for that terrible, bygone era than Mr. Mayo himself? It’s Mike Pence’s Apple Smiles!

Chef Mike Pence

Republican Vice President from Indiana

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from deeply-indebted candidate for President of the United States, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 red apple

smooth peanut butter

mini-marshmallows

lemon juice (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Spread peanut butter on one side of each apple slice (squeeze a little lemon juice over the apple if not serving immediately).

Skipping the “slice apples” step is fine — we all know how to slice apples, hopefully. But if you needed a hint: more like crescent moons, not diced up too small. We’re going for “smile” shape here.

2) Place four miniature marshmallows on one apple slice and then lay another apple slice, peanut butter, and marshmallows.

A two-stepper. Fantastic. I get the sense that maybe these are for children.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. They look…aggressive. Slightly sensual. Not unlike the iconic Rocky Horror Picture Show lips. They have a certain buck-toothed quality as well, and the eeriness makes them a perfect October treat when you want to drown the sorrows of a rough presidential campaign in some sugared-up peanut butter.

Verdict:

There’s no elevating apples and peanut butter. Better to leave well enough alone and skip the marshmallows here, which basically just make the whole enterprise feel weird in your mouth. Also these do not look like human smiles.