My fellow Americans:

Salute these real recipes from real congresspeople, recreated with love and fear by me.

Do not try these at home.

"Gentleman's Delight" by Representative E. Ross Adair

"Gentleman's Delight" by Representative E. Ross Adair

Ready for a TWO STEP recipe? Yep, that’s it — two steps. Two steps, one hour, four ingredients — it doesn’t get any easier than this cheesy ham casserole. For a dish this simple, the intro should be, too. Representative E. Ross Adair’s Gentleman’s Delight. Here it is.

Adair1.jpeg

Chef E. Ross Adair

Republican Representative from Indiana

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the man that, like most powerful bland men before 1980, has a building named after him, with no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 cup cooked rice

1 cup ground ham, baked or boiled

1 cup grated cheese, sharp or mild

1 cup tomatoes, canned

optional: thin strips cheese and paprika

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Combine all 4 ingredients in casserole and bake in oven until tomato juice is absorbed and mixture is fairly dry. Bake 1 hour at 375 degrees or more.

Does the “or more” refer to the time or the temperature? Who knows. I did exactly 1 hour at exactly 375 degrees and it turned out fine.

2) For a special look, put thin strips cheese on top and sprinkle paprika and place in oven until cheese melts.

If you know me, you know I always choose the “optional” pieces. But I was sorely disappointed by the thin strips that I placed on this Delight…

IMG_1898.jpeg

No, those are not leeches, that is cheese. Burnt American cheese strips. I mistakenly put the casserole in the broiler for 60 seconds because the cheese had stubbornly not melted, and did you know that American cheese does not react well to flame? There is no browning, only blackening, while the rest of the cheese stayed hard. But once you get past the charred cheese-like milk product, this is better than it looks.

 

Verdict:

It reminds me of canned corned beef hash, and the crispy top and edges almost made me forget that I used canned, boiled ham from what looks like military tins. Remove the cheese leeches and it’s not half bad. I truly did not expect to finish half the casserole in one night, but here we are. Please don’t think less of me.

"Puree Mongol Soup" by President John F. Kennedy

"Puree Mongol Soup" by President John F. Kennedy

"Newt's Fruit" by Representative Newt Gingrich

"Newt's Fruit" by Representative Newt Gingrich