Open your fridge right now. How’s it looking? Does it need a bit of a boost? A pop of color? A summery surprise? Then look no further than this sugary baby from a living culinary legend. Representative Newt Gingrich’s Newt’s Fruit.

Chef Newt Gingrich

Republican Representative and Speaker of the House from Georgia

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the man that someone claimed ruined American politics, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 medium size can of peaches

1 can of pears

1 can of chunk pineapple in light syrup

1/2 cup sugar

1 tbsp cornstarch

1 tbsp butter or margarine

1 tsp vanilla

1 tbsp white vinegar

Pinch of salt

2 bananas

Maraschino cherries

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Drain peaches, pears and chunk pineapple VERY well, reserving liquid. Cut the fruit into bite-sized pieces.

Emphasis on “VERY” duly noted. I drained it for so long.

2) Make a syrup using one cup of the leftover fruit juice, sugar and cornstarch. Cook on the stove, stirring constantly, until thick.

3) Take the mixture off the stove and stir in margarine, vanilla, white vinegar and salt.

I’ve always thought vinegar and butter would be nice compliments to raw fruit, but I could never figure out how. I owe a debt a gratitude to Chef Newt for being creative.

4) Pour the syrup over the fruit while it's still hot. Stir the fruit well and refrigerate overnight.

“I see evil all around me every day.”—Newt Gingrich — “I see evil all around me every day.”
—Newt Gingrich

If you were wondering when it would start to smell…now! Fragrant butter-pineapple throughout the house.

5) When ready to serve, slice two bananas over the fruit and stir again, and add Maraschino cherries, cut in half, if desired.

I did not desire.

Voila! I left the stems in for a bit of fancy, and Newt’s Fruit was ready to eat.

The first thing to note is the sugar content (approximately 260g for the whole dish). That’s the equivalent of 18 full-size frosted chocolate donuts. I was wired for the night after a helping. The dessert looks like something from an idyllic 1950s kid’s meal, and it tastes like it, too. Maraschino cherries and raw bananas add that touch of “Summer with Leave it to Beaver.” Put a bowl out and watch the neighbor kids get jealous!

Verdict:

Got a hard case of the sugars from eating this. It’s sickeningly sweet, but at least it doesn’t have that jello mouthfeel to it — it’s supple and soft. Tastes like midwestern white people’s childhood, but also like dessert for babies.