My fellow Americans:

Salute these real recipes from real congresspeople, recreated with love and fear by me.

Do not try these at home.

"Hoppin' John" by Senator Mitch McConnell

"Hoppin' John" by Senator Mitch McConnell

You’re tired of cooking. Your latest sourdough is a no-go. You just want something easy and delicious that will make your belly stop growling. Well, nothing says “yummy” like Senator Mitch McConnell. His recipe is a classic African-American invention, remade by the Kentucky old-timer:

Mitch McConnell Hoppin John

Chef Mitch McConnell

Republican Senator from Kentucky

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the self-proclaimed Grim Reaper, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

2 cups fresh or frozen black eyed peas

1/4 lb bacon

2 small red pepper pods

2 cups uncooked regular rice

Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Cover peas with water. Simmer peas, bacon and peppers in a covered pot over low heat for 1 to 1.5 hours or until tender.

An hour and twenty minutes was plenty of time for the peas to become tender and for the bacon to change colors from light pink to soft gray.

2) Add rice, cover and cook over low heat, stirring frequently until rice is cooked. Add more water during cooking if necessary.

Chef Mitch notes that you should be using “regular rice” which I took to mean short-grain white rice. Always helpful to get in the mind of your chef, as it’s sometimes vital (and upsetting) to imagine the way they think — it can really change a dish.

“i’ve often wished we had more women in the Senate.”—Mitch McConnell

“I’ve often wished we had more women in the Senate.”

—Mitch McConnell

3) Add salt to taste.

Since there are no spices, I added a fistful of salt to bring out the flavors of the boiled water and white rice.

Mitch McConnell recipe

Most original Hoppin’ John recipes from the Black community include onions, garlic, cumin, cayenne, black pepper, etc., but Chef Mitch keeps it shockingly simple. The salt accentuates the plain white rice and the bacon water, which has lightly infused itself into the peas. This isn’t your grandma’s bacon, either — no frying, no baking, no crispy crust — it’s the wettest, grayest bacon you’ll ever taste.

 

Verdict:

The flavor is best described as “warm.” It essentially made weak broth that you can chew. But I have to admit, it wasn’t so bad that I threw it away. Except the bacon. Bacon shouldn’t have the texture of a microwaved fruit roll-up.

Mitch McConnell recipe card
"Onion Wine Soup" by President Ronald Reagan

"Onion Wine Soup" by President Ronald Reagan

"Tofu Spaghetti" by Governor John Hickenlooper

"Tofu Spaghetti" by Governor John Hickenlooper