Teddy Roosevelt, candidly, is my second favorite president. My first favorite president is well-known to those who know me (I even have a tattoo of one of his insane in-office doodles). The mythos surrounding Roosevelt has grown in recent years — people see him as rough, tough, fierce and masculine. Naturally then, I chose to recreate a dish from the man they call “TR” that seemingly goes against everything I just described.

As always, I followed the recipe word for word directly from the man who apparently actually never rode a dead moose across a river, no deviations:

INGREDIENTS

2 tsp gelatin

2 tbsp cold water

¼ cup hot milk

1 peeled and cubed cucumber

1 cup heavy cream, whipped

½ chopped sweet pimento

1 tsp tarragon vinegar

Lemon juice and salt to taste

Lettuce leaves

French dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Soften 2 teaspoons gelatin in two tablespoons cold water.

2) Then add ¼ cup hot milk and stir until gelatin is dissolved.

3) Add 1 peeled and cubed cucumber, 1 cup heavy cream whipped, ½ chopped sweet pimento, 1 teaspoon tarragon vinegar and lemon juice and salt to taste. Mix thoroughly.

I had to infuse vinegar with fresh tarragon, as I couldn’t find store-bought. I also had to remind myself what a pimento is when it’s not pre-chopped in a jar (it’s a cherry pepper). Lastly, I had to re-read the recipe to ensure he really wanted to mix whipped cream into this mess.

4) Pour into a mold and chill for at least 12 hours in refrigerator. At serving time, unmold on lettuce leaves and serve with French dressing. Serves 4.

Did I whip up my own French dressing, too? I sure did. That was the easiest and least-disturbing part of this recipe. Served with some butter lettuce (note the purple below), and it’s quite a sight.

Teddy Roosevelt's cream of cucumber salad

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. It has an almost Christmasy look to it, much like Anniversary Horseradish Salad, but with the colors reversed. It appears slimy, and it is. Scent-wise, there’s not much to smell — the ketchup-based French dressing takes the most oxygen when it comes to aroma. Gather your favorite childhood teddy bear, hold them close to your heart, and dive in.

Verdict:

Oddly similar to a Watergate Salad, but each bite had only a touch of sweetness from the French dressing. It’s a confusing mix of cucumber-flavored Cool Whip and actual, modern salad ingredients. Stupefying.