"Southern Christmas Cake" by Representative James Quillen

One last Christmas recipe for 2023, and this one is a doozy — six different sources of sugar in this holiday cake hailing from Tennessee: white sugar, raisins, candied oranges, two different types of jam and marshmallows. Merry Christmas, teeth.

Chef James Quillen

Republican Representative from Tennessee

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the man who once bought an entire local newspaper for $42, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1.5 sticks butter

2 cups sugar

6 eggs

4 cups sifted cake flour

1 tsp baking soda

2 tsp ground cloves

2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup buttermilk

2 cups blackberry jam

2 cups peach preserves

1 cup nuts

FILLING:

1 cup chopped candied orange slices

1 cup cut up marshmallows

1.5 cups white raisins

1.5 cups coconut

1.5 cups sugar

1.5 cups chopped nuts

1.75 cups milk

1.5 tsp flour

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Cream, butter, add sugar, gradually, and cream until fluffy.

2) Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each addition.

3) Combine dry ingredients and add, alternating with milk. Mix well: add preserves and nuts.

This recipe calls for the equivalent of 4 full jars of jam. And I selected a mix of hazelnuts, walnuts and pistachios since the recipe didn’t specify. Get that green in there for festivity.

4) Bake in 4 greased 9 inch layer cake pans at 350°. About 30 minutes.

So much cake. Four pans. I checked in at 27 minutes and it wasn’t quite there. The heft from the jam seemed to be weighing it down. I waited until 30 and pulled it out.

5) Combine filling ingredients and cook until thick. Spread between layers. Makes two layer cakes.

I wasn’t able to cut the cake in half like a proper layer cake (cake-filling-cake-filling-cake) and so I just did cake-filling-cake. It didn’t make enough to “frost the top” so it’s barren. Barren, but not flavorless. Invite over 28 of your closest friends for Christmas for these two layer cakes!

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. This recipe contains a whopping 2,045 grams of sugar. If each of the two cakes makes 8 slices, that is 128 grams of sugar per serving, the equivalent of 13 Krispy Kreme donuts. Fantastic! Only wish the cake would’ve come out of the pan a little cleaner — despite my greasing and following exact instructions, it was so dense and heavy that it couldn’t exit cleanly. Let us hope that it does so after I’ve eaten a slice.

Verdict:

This is the sweetest dessert I’ve ever tasted. Those 2,000+ grams of sugar aren’t hiding. After one spoonful, I felt like I had to brush my teeth. The thick filling coated my teeth like whitening strips. The only respite from the sugar was the occasional full hazelnut or orange rind to cut the saccharine bite.