Senator Ernest Hollings's "Celery Bread"

Instagram and TikTok have done something to us all, I suppose. The proof there is that when I read “celery bread” in a Politics and Good Food Cookbook, I figured it was somehow a gluten-free celery-based “bread” much like that cottage cheese “bread” that went viral. But no, thankfully, it is not celery flour masquerading as actual flour. In fact, it’s much closer to garlic bread, and maybe even…better?

Chef Ernest Hollings

Democratic Senator from South Carolina

As always, I followed the recipe word for word directly from the man who also brought us She-Crab Soup (more on that in the July 2024 newsletter of Theater of Disgust, sign up here to get the free monthly blast if you want the nitty gritty on this show and blog), no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup butter

14 tsp salt

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp celery salt

dash cayenne

1 loaf sandwich bread, unsliced

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Soften butter, blend in remaining ingredients.

For a recipe called “celery bread,” it sure doesn’t have much celery salt. Or actual fresh celery. We’ll see…

2) Slice all crust off bread.

Remember, politicians are children.

3) Slice bread making additional lengthwise slice almost through the bottom of the loaf.

I read this 10 times before I started slicing to make sure I had it right. Here is what this translates to: slice the bread as you normally would a loaf of bread, but do NOT go all the way through to the bottom. Then, once your usual slices are done, slice right down the center of the whole loaf lengthwise, one big slice, also almost all the way to the bottom. The key is that the bottom of the loaf stays in tact.

4) Spread mixture on all sides, on top and in the cuts but not on the bottom.

You’re going to use the entire 1/2 cup of butter on this, making sure to grease it in the cracks and crevices.

5) Place on cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Serve hot.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the Cookin’ with Congress Instagram or TikTok. There’s something…naked about it. The lack of crust really makes it almost look like a fossil to me. That said, it smelled fantastic, the texture was crusty and flaky. Did I just choose immaculate bread or was it the recipe? Perhaps it was the significant amount of butter.

Verdict:

Whoa. Maybe I just used the right kind of sandwich bread, maybe it’s the half-cup of butter, maybe it’s the salt, but this was delicious. Celery? Eh. Not so much. But spicy, salty garlic bread without the garlic? Absolutely. Would improve this with Old Bay and make it again and again.