When I say the phrase “bee farmer pizza,” what comes to mind? Did you, like me, picture a pepperoni pizza, drizzled with honey, maybe some onions and greens of some sort? Mainly though, it had to include honey, right?

No honey here. Not Hastings Keith, whose name I had to triple check was not Keith Hastings. He created a pizza for bee farmers that stays far away from pepperoni, honey, or anything else an Italian would deem legal or appropriate for a pizza topping.

No, today, we begin with Velveeta.

Chef Hastings Keith

Republican Representative from Massachusetts

As always, I followed the recipe word for word directly from the representative whose name is definitely Hastings Keith, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 can tomato paste

4 tbsp Mazola

2 tbsp oregano

1 can Spam

1 lb. Velveeta cheese

1 large onion

dash garlic salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Grind together Spam, cheese, and onion.

Leftover ham or other meats are also welcome, but I stuck with Spam because it’s been a while. Velveeta is not optional.

2) Add remaining ingredients and mix well. Store in refrigerator for several hours before using.

Mazola is just corn oil, and for the oregano, it seemed like a dried herbs kind of recipe, but I had so much fresh oregano from our garden that I went with that instead. If it makes this recipe taste significantly better, I am truly sorry.

3) Spread on bread.

4) Warm in oven set to 250 degrees for about 13 minutes or until cheese melts and bubbles.

I let it go until 15 minutes without a single bit of bubbling. Does Velveeta bubble? It’s supposed to melt more easily, but frankly, it got rubbery, shiny, and brown without bubbling. Maybe actual cheese would’ve worked.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the Cookin’ with Congress Instagram or TikTok. Much like Crackerass, this dish is cheese-forward, if you call Velveeta a cheese (I do not, neither does the FDA). It smells as strange as it feels when you poke it, and yes, let’s get it out of the way now — it does not look like pizza. Neither do Pizza Bagels or Bagel Bites or P’Zones, but can we all agree those are still pizza? No? No.

Verdict:

I was so sure I would hate this. As a man who loves pizza, there was no way this would hit, right? And yet…it does. It tastes like this but in a blender. It is NOT pizza, but it is not bad.