"Anniversary Horseradish Salad" by Representative Glenn English

July 4th double-feature!! I put it to the internet, and overwhelmingly, it was decided that I should cook both this dish and Wine Cake for this year’s celebration of America’s birth as the United States. An anniversary salad and a celebratory cake felt right. Gelatin felt right. Mayonnaise felt right. That’s why: Representative Glenn English’s Anniversary Horseradish Salad.

Chef Glenn English

Democratic Representative from Oklahoma

As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the total Sagittarius, no alterations:

INGREDIENTS

1 box of lemon Jello (3oz)

1 box of lime Jello (3oz)

2 cups of boiling water

1 cup of real mayonnaise

1 can (#2) of crushed pineapple, undrained

1 cup cottage cheese (large curd)

3 tbsp cream style horseradish

2 tbsp chopped pimento

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Mix the 2 boxes of Jello together with the boiling water and dissolve.

I have to get sponsored by Jell-O at some point, right?

2) Add all the other ingredients and mix thoroughly.

It’s going to get chunky once the cottage cheese and pineapple hits the green liquid jello.

3) Pour in a large casserole and refrigerate. Serves 12. This is a wonderful dish with baked ham. Makes 12 servings.

Voila! If you want to actually watch me attempt to eat it, go to the CwC Instagram or TikTok. I don’t know why Glenn had to mention how it serves 12 people two times in three sentences. I did not have 11 people to share it with, but I got at least four other living human beings to eat it in front of me. The dish is oddly visually appealing; kind of like Christmas in Hawaii in the 50s. The red pimentos, the green jello — it almost works as a bejeweled piece of edible art. But how does it taste?

Verdict:

Unreal. It’s chunky in all the wrong parts; too sweet yet somehow also too spicy and not sweet enough. A culinary abomination dressed up in pistachio tones. I could not take a second bite.