"Grape Dogs" by Representative Steven C. LaTourette
Winning a “Best of Show” award at a Real Men Can Cook Contest in Ohio may not be a James Beard Award, but it’s up there. That’s the dish you’re looking at today — a big-time, three-ingredient showstopper from the midwest.
Get ready to free up your day, because this meal only takes 22 minutes to make, and 20 of those minutes are just letting it boil on the stovetop. Delightfully simple, delightfully named — Representative Steven C. LaTourette’s Grape Dogs.
Chef Steven C. LaTourette
Republican Congressman from Ohio
As always, I followed the recipe word for word from the Tea-Party-hating Republican, no alterations:
INGREDIENTS
2 bottles of Heinz chili sauce
8oz of grape jelly
2 packages of hot dogs, sliced into 3/4 or 1-inch pieces
INSTRUCTIONS
1) Heat chili sauce in a medium sauce pan until boiling.
It’s gotta be Heinz. Please do not use any other brand of chili sauce, as I cannot guarantee award-winning results that way.
“This job sucks.”
—Steven C. LaTourette, on being a congressman
2) Blend in the jelly and stir in two packages of your favorite hot dogs. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes.
Steven left us freedom of choice here, so go wild — turkey dogs, vegetarian dogs, or good old fashioned Hebrew Nationals. This time, I chose some grade-A, all-beef dogs. We’re usually a beef house!
3) Serve warm on toothpicks.
Stick ‘em and serve ‘em, simple as that! If you’re as patriotic as I am at Cookin’ with Congress, you can buy blue toothpicks here.
Start the party now, because these sticky, little weenies are done.
The toothpicks are a fancy touch, distracting from the oddly wrinkled nature of these weens. Now let’s talk about the flavor — with only three ingredients, it’s surprisingly full of depth. Of course, you get the grape up front and the dogs on the back end, but what you don’t expect are the lightly burnt sugar and tomato-syrup notes. A bit like hot dogs slathered in fruity barbecue sauce, but if it had been made at a 4-star Cleveland eatery. The stubby dogs stick to the roof of your mouth like meat-grape taffy, and if that hasn’t sold you on this recipe, I’m not sure what will — boil it today!
Verdict:
I wanted to hate these, I really did. Grape Dogs? Two culinary words that should never go together, like Mustard Muffins or Liver Cream. But I took those cold, tart, spicy little puppies to work and ate them all for lunch, shamefully explaining myself to at least two co-workers.
